


Methods Of Enticement

by Andian



Category: Football RPF, Hockey RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 04:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4005694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andian/pseuds/Andian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew Shaw's head-butt goal might not have counted but that doesn't stop some people from becoming very interested in him afterwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Methods Of Enticement

„Mr. Shaw, that was one impressive almost-goal”, an accented voice says behind his back. Shawzy almost drops his stick and manages to catch it in the last second only to whip off his bag from the bench with it when he turns towards the voice. A black-haired man in a black turtleneck is standing at the door, smiling at him almost frighteningly friendly.

“I …uh... thank you?” Shawzy answers, trying to remember if he has ever seen the man before. 

“Press time is over though”, Shawzy adds. “I'm not a journalist”, the man answers, stepping a bit closer into the empty locker room. Shawzy suddenly wishes he hadn't taken so long in the shower. There was a time and place for conditioner and this has obviously been the wrong one. 

“So... you're... a new coach?” Please be a new coach, he thinks. The guy is starting to freak him out, especially with the way he is now looking at him. Appraising, eyes lingering just a bit too long on Shawzy's calves. The man smiles at him.

“I'm a coach, but I'm not new and I'm not working for your organization, Mr. Shaw,” the man says, stepping even closer and while he looks kind of built he certainly doesn't have the weight and muscles of a hockey player and he has maybe one inch on Shawzy and the only reason Shawzy is stepping back is to give the man more room. Really.

“Are you even allowed to be here?” he says and his voice is not high and slightly squeaky but it also doesn't sound very calm and composed. Another smile from the man and Shawzy suddenly has horrible flashbacks to Coach Q's face, moments before he announces the new terrible training method he has come up with. 

“Not quite, but I have an offer for you, Mr. Shaw. I do believe your talents are wasted here”, the man says. Oh god, Shawzy thinks in a panic, they are going to trade him and he isn't even finding out about it on Deadspin or ESPN, they are sending this creepy guy instead until he flees in fear to whatever state the team he got traded to is in. He is still walking backwards, away from the creepy bringer of terrible news and terrible turtlenecks and doesn't notice his bag, still lying on the floor. He falls, lands flat on his back and is now treated to the guy looming even more over him.

“Tell me, Mr. Shaw, how much are you really invested in being Canadian?” And, oh god, he hadn't even known they could trade him to the KHL. And he'd have to give up being Canadian, why, they had guys from Europe on their teams, too. Hossa is still Slovak! Nobody told Hossa to stop being invested in being Slovak!

“Hossa isn't Canadian!” he blurts out. The man frowns down at him. “Yes”, he says after a short pause. “if you say so.” His eyes are still wandering over him, stopping at the Blackhawks logo on his shirt. His eyes turn glassy for a moment. 

“Just think of the great things you could accomplish with us,” he says, actually whispers, and Shawzy doesn't care, he doesn't want to win the Russian version of the Stanley Cup. No matter how cool, he kind of thinks it is that it's named after the first guy in space. The Stanley Cup is prettier. Well, okay, that might also not be what he is actually thinking but it doesn't matter, it's the cup and he wants to play for it. In Chicago. Right now. Which reminds him...

“The trade deadline is already over, you can't really trade me right now!” and wow, the relief he is feeling when he remembers that, is almost as good as winning in triple overtime. Again. 

The man just shakes his head though. “That wouldn't matter. We'd need you in the summer, at least against the Italians. We can take Spain. It's the Italians I'm having nightmares about.”

Shawzy should probably check up on his geography skills cause he is quite sure that Italy and Spain are not part of the KHL.

The man in the meanwhile keeps talking, “You can be centre-forward, Müller won't like that but it's not like I can actually understand what he is saying anyway and he can play left winger for a while and I'll literally do anything to finally beat Italy and...”

He was interrupted by Jonny dramatically crashing into the room. He stops, stares at both of them for a moment, the man and Shawzy staring back, before making his way over and pointing a finger at the man.

“You”, he says and it surprisingly manages to actually sound kind of frightening, “Can't have him. He can't play without skates! Also you should know that,” Jonny frowns for a moment before pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket “you beat Brazil, you can take Italy.” There is a pause. “Also that German Anaheim player asked if he can have your autograph.”

“But that header! It was perfect! He is wasted here, he'd be such a good football play-”.

“Soccer, you mean, soccer, and he wouldn't! You can't skate when playing soccer! There is no ice! You don't have any ice!” Shawzy has no idea what was going on. “He's right, there is no ice!” But he feels he has to support his captain. In whatever he is doing.

The man stares at Jonny. Jonny stares back. Shawzy stares at the both of them staring at each other. There is just overall a lot of staring going on. 

“Fine!” the man snaps, obviously having never heard that you can't beat Jonathan Toews in a staring duel. “But I'll be back before Russia! You,” he points one finger at Shawzy who does not shriek and tries to hide behind Jonny's legs. “Keep training that header abilities!” And then he walks away.

Shawzy is clamping to Jonny's leg who looks down at him. “You okay, mutt?” he asks, sounding slightly worried.

“I... yes... no... what the hell just happened?” Shawzy is probably in a state of shock. It feels like a state of shock. It feels at least like what he imagines a state of shock feeling like.

“Don't worry, mutt,” Jonny says, patting his head in a manner that is probably supposed to be comforting. It kind of does feel comforting and Shawzy really is in a state of shock, isn't he. 

“The soccer guys won't get you. Impressive almost-goal by the way …. wait, please stop screaming!”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](https://40.media.tumblr.com/5c1399232c3c3680b300e11e3173ea5c/tumblr_nonavcBjrW1r5fdjto1_540.jpg).
> 
> I did not tag for the other person involved (I hope it became clear enough who it was supposed to be) to not spoil the story.


End file.
